Sometimes I stop and think why I continue doing this. At first my heart would beat faster, my ears buzz in anticipation, and that euphoria at the end was intoxicating. But not anymore. Now my mind just goes numb, it fills up with dark thoughts that fill every last crevice. My movements are automatic, a familiar repetition, just like the petting I won’t allow.

Some would call me crazy, but with time I’ve come to realize that everything is a matter of perspective. Everyone has their truth, and this is mine. The one I chose to survive. If my days are darker than yours, that is your problem. That you can’t grasp the fact that life is not all laughter and sunshine, but pain and rage that fills every tiny crack.

That consumes it all.

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Alexandra Swain

Alexandra Swain

Chilean writer based in Brighton // Escritora chilena en Brighton